Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

Dear scientists,

We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”

-psychopaths

the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths