I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
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Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Happy Caturday!
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”