Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

[pronounces lasagna like bologna]

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

This toddler just ran up to me in Target, crying for me to pick him up. I didn’t know what to do, so I did & he stopped crying, immediately. His mom then walks up to me & says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry sir. But you look just like his daddy” 💀.

Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.

The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you

Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.

Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?

Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.

Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out

kinda fun if literal: earwigs

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.

“I’m not a fan.”

-air conditioner

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire

Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*

Imperial officer: What’s the password?

Han: It’s “password.”

Vader: We should really change that.

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point