Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“911, what’s the emergency?”

we were robbed. they stole the wireless router

“calm down”

also they shot my grandma or something. not sure

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*

Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”

Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.

Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014