I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
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They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
