Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.

“the hills are alive”

“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”

“with the sound of music”

“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”

Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs

ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*

The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer

…and send

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him

😼🖥️

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.