I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
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My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
much to think about
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.