I’m ready to try another planet.
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all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
Blew my mind.
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you