I’m ready to try another planet.
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My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
@ candidates for local office
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”