Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?

Asking for our friend, Siobhan.

Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.

Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*

Gandalf: ffs

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him

My hips? Compulsive liars.

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?

me: i gotta fight you for them?

The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”

Oops I deleted….

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage

Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.

Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde

“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.

My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.

Sadly, I got sausages.

I can’t think of a wurst problem!

#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head