I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
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Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
A small tragedy.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?