Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

In case you needed to hear it:

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

Him: I need advice.

Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.

A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.

Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!

her: i’m a doctor

my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you

me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-

my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor

Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”

Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.