Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”

He’s 14.

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

is there nothing we can trust anymore

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

[to serial killer]

WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!

*killing intensifies*

I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake

no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist