Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.

Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.

ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?

NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not

ME: I’m getting to that

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.

I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys

I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s time to send me my weekly allowance for cheese

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.

People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death

me: so you’re gonna let me live

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?