Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

A little discriminatory towards Jesus.

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller