I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
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*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.