I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
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STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one