I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
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Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”