Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!

It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.

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The Chosen Phew

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site

tree: morning

me: oh hey

tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro

me: [exhales on tree]

tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff

Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.

Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.

Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.

he was correct