I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
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I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.