I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
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Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
And bowling should be called pinball
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.