‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
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<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.