‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
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*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?