‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
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My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.