Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem

A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.

Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.

Dracula: You can’t be serious.

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

These are my emotional support Pringles.

Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.

Whoa 😂

person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”

Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

The biggest mystery of our time

Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door