Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:

Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns

I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.

Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.

[later]

Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.

[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?

Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ

Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣

nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.

WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try

My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.

The cats activated the rainbow portal again