Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

*frowns in Scottish*

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.

[at doctor’s office]

Nurse: You may get undressed now.

Me: [rips off tear away pants]

Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

Whoops

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?

-my 7 year old making the best of her public education

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now