i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
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[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.