I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
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if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Oh. My. God.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
My neck, my back, my…
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
*seductively corrects your posture*
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?