Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs

Him: Why are you here?

Me: Why am I anywhere?

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.

[on a date with a houseplant]

Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.

Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?

Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times

Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this

Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it

When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.

The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble

if I can survive this, I can survive anything

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

[road trip]

Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!

Kid: but

Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND

The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.

I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”

This is a funeral. Show some respect.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”