I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
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Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Guys, I found it.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too