Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bout dat hot dog summer

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.

Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.

Wife: *fans herself*

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

this is supposed to be an 18 year old

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.