I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
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I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
If you know, you know
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….