I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
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toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.