I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
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[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u