Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.

Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this

Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste

shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

Parenting’s First Law of Physics:

An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”