Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.

Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat

Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow

Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?

God: Lighten up drama queen.

My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

*cop approaches me*

“have u seen this girl?”

*holds up photo*

“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”

*hi-5*

“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

this is the most cat thing ive ever seen

I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late