“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
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All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
What legos do when we’re not looking.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden