I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
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Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.