I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
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HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Probably my best painting.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.