I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
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Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
smartest karate player in the world
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super