I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
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Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
You’re never alone. Theres mold
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings