Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: time to hit the hay

wife: you’re going to bed?

me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

*jingles half the way*

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”

Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.