Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

12: I can’t wait to be an adult.

Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.

what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant

It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

cat 911: what ur emergency

my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door

cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.

[Planning a heist]

ME: Did you scope the place out?

PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards

ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs

I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.

“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.

need a new bf mines broken 😐

My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo