Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]

Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳

Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄

Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️

Bluetick 1: ❤️

“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended

I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.

“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.