I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
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Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!