I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
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According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁