I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
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I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
shakira sharkira
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
dutch is not a serious language
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.