Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’

Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.

Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.

I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.

[God creating teenagers]

What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.