I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
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I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
hello pervert is such a strong opener
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I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?