I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
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[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse