Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.

Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?

ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

People with short hair don’t get dandruff, they get Pixie dust.

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think

2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.

[diner]

ME: I’ll have the eggs, please

WAITER: how would you like those?

ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.

I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired

Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?

– How I ask what the dress code is.

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.