I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
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North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Clients after you give them your rates
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I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
That’s amazing.
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For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money