“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
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feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Don’t touch that.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”