“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
You Might Also Like
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.