I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
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sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things