I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
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If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
you know what ruined my childhood? children
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Good Morning.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”