I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
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I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out