Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.

ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

friend: how’s the amazon job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”

Yup, NOT going in there.

my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house

“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

The Wolf of Wall Street.

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes