i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
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When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
True?
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Expect the unexporcupine.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.