Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.

Planet of the Apps.

They say women only use 10% of their anger

“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.

when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken

‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

At a fried chicken place, looks delicious

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.