Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider

That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”

She says “Burger King.”

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything