I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
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My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!