Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”

They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.

Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?

Me: how about a dog

Clown: one dog coming up

Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!

Clown: *stops twisting*

Me: ok a sword I guess

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.

ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol

MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out

so weird how every mom was born today

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?

me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.

9yo: oh… so I should lie?

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.

We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.