I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
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Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
she has a point
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.