Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.

[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]

HARRY: Hey

SALLY: Sup

*roll credits*

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…

OMG, I ATE THE TOY!

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.

*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*

Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

Ah yes. The three genders

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.