I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
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The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Joseph Smith, 1833
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes